The Four Qualities of the Woman You Are Looking For

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    One day while browsing through my Facebook newsfeed, I saw a photograph of a young mother in a delivery room holding her newborn baby to her chest. The caption read, “My beautiful baby with her ugly baby mama.” I am paraphrasing, of course, to avoid the profanities included in this short caption. My first thought was, “I wonder if he, the father who posted the picture, found the mother ugly when he was in bed with her?”
We live in a society that trivializes sex: nowadays, it is all about self-gratification. For many men, having multiple sexual partners shows how manly they are. They talk with pride about their many conquests, as if they were collecting trophies. They don’t care about the kind of women they are dealing with; these guys only care that they feel good with that person. After some time together, they start to discover the real character of their partners, then they are ready to walk out. Often this happened after the ladies get pregnant. That’s one of the main reasons of fatherlessness: men who turn their back on their children because they can’t get along with the mothers.
For this reason, we must redefine the expression “I am the man.” Being the man is not the ability to conquer multiple women, but to get and keep the right lady. Choosing the right woman is not a matter of feelings only, but also reason. As a man, you must have an ideal woman in your mind that is not based on physical appearance but her character.
Looks are deceiving, superficial, and temporary. A beautiful face will wrinkle as age increases. An attractive shape will change during and after pregnancy. We can also add skin diseases and accidents that can happen. We need to look at deeper things and find more meaningful and lasting criteria in choosing the partner to have a family with. Here are four qualities you need to consider in a woman.
Pleasant
The woman sets the mood of the family. When she is sad, the whole household is miserable. When she is angry, the kids are anxious, and the man is irritable. When she is happy, it’s sunshine all day and night. The effect of her smile is not affected by age. Pick a woman who is pleasant and doesn’t get irritated easily. Such a partner will be able to challenge, inspire, encourage, and empower you. You will anticipate coming home after your hard day at work to relax and have family time.
Goal-oriented
Few people in our day and age are goal-oriented. Fortunately, it’s a skill that can be learned and developed. It’s crucial that the both of you discuss your individual goals and plans for the short and long term right from the start of the relationship; it’s best to do so within the first three dates. Talking about children and parenting is also a must.
Caring
It’s important to be with a woman who is sensitive to the needs of others, not just hers, and the sufferings of those around her. This is crucial because we are living in the “I” generation. People are becoming more and more selfish and self-centered. Altruism and generosity are virtues that are rapidly disappearing in our society.
Forgiving
No relationship can last without forgiveness. We all make mistakes; often we knowingly hurt our loved one’s feelings. It’s unfortunate but true. Therefore, it’s important that the woman you are interested in has a spirit of forgiveness. Some women will hold grudges for months even years against someone else for the most trivial things you can think of. This will create an atmosphere of insecurity in the household and prevent intimacy. So, if a woman is constantly getting into fights, arguments, or talking about revenge on others, consider this a red flag even though she is always nice to you.
With these in mind go search for the woman of your dreams.

Extract from the book “From Man to Dad” by Serge Destin

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me Serge Destin

 

He Was Dying Of Cancer

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One of my patients was dying of cancer. He was a kind gentleman -we’ll call him John- who came to our nursing home after spending over a month in the hospital where he received a diagnosis of lung cancer. He was a little bit less than 60 years old and was living alone in a trailer. Because of legal issues, he lost his trailer and became homeless. He was at a friend’s house for a couple of weeks who offered him asylum when he fell ill and had to be rushed to the emergency room. He came to our facility in the hope of overcoming his deadly disease. Truth be told, John was doing pretty good when he came and barely look like a patient. He was full of energy, walking around and going out with the lone friend who would visit him. About five months later, after many rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, it became apparent that treatments were ineffective and the cancer was spreading. John couldn’t eat anymore; he lost a lot of pounds quickly. He couldn’t walk and barely had enough energy to talk. He was released from cancer treatment and given a couple of months to live.
About two weeks later, a Friday afternoon, John’s children, grand-children, some nieces, and nephews invaded the facility. They came in an RV, parked in the facility’s parking lot, and spent the weekend with him. Ten days later, he passed away. All these months, we didn’t even know he had children. Is this how children should honor their father?

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Serge Destin,

Author of From Man To Dad

Co-founder of the League Of Extraordinary Dads

Am I a Mature Father?

pexels-photo-101584One of the main reasons men are having kids who aren’t expected is immaturity. Most people think that maturity comes with age. Physical maturity does, but not necessarily mental maturity. Who hasn’t seen 30, 40, 50 year old men acting like 12 year old boys? I was working at a health facility where this 55 year old male patient was having a temper tantrum because his TV wasn’t working. That was his first night in our facility and he was there to recover from a knee replacement surgery. He was screaming, yelling, throwing objects including medical equipment to the ground. Every staff member working on that recovery floor, including me, tried to calm him down and explained to him that it’s 1 A.M. and that his TV issue will be addressed during normal office hours. All attempts were unsuccessful and he had no regard for the other patients trying to sleep. Finally, he called his wife to complain and the poor lady had to come to the facility at 3 A.M. to be with him. She had to spend to rest of the night next to him in a chair while this man slept soundly in his comfortable bed.

Another misconception about maturity is that if you are no longer living with your Mom and Dad that means you are mature. Many young men are release or escape from parental care too early. In our society, we wrongly believe that a young man should be on his own by 18 year old. However, we forget that people mature at different pace. Many leave home with no plans, no projects, no means of subsistence. The most honest ones spend their days hustling and bustling at low paying jobs. The lazy ones chase women all day hooking up with them and causing untold amount of pregnancies. The most desperate join gangs and/or get hooked  on drugs, alcohol, and bring some of the sickest and most abused children in the world.

So what is maturity? A simple definition: reason over passion. Passion is what excite or make you feel good when doing or using it regardless of the consequences. Children are controlled by their passion; they do things because they feel good while doing it.

Reason on the other hand is doing things based on whether they are good or bad, moral or immoral, or whether the consequences would be beneficial or disastrous. As children grow up, they learn to develop reason through learning and experience to keep their passion in check.

The big issue is that we are living in a society that teaches its people to let loose and let their passions go wild. Reason is downplayed and we have a multitudes of adults and young adults who do things without thinking about the consequences. Thus we end up with grown men who are passionate about sex but could care less about the kids who are  born as a result. Beware of your actions, the consequences can be devastating for others.

Fatherhood, Is It For Me?

Since we were boys we knew that we would have children one day. Our parents expected that from us. In fact, the environment we were raised in a whole expected it. However, we seldom ask ourselves, “Do I want to have chilboy-477010_1920dren?” let’s put it this way. Suppose you have all the skills you need to perform a certain job, would it make a difference if you are doing this job because you “have to” or because you “want to” ? When you “have to” do something, you are not usually happy or excited  about it, you just want to get it over with. You also tend to do just the minimum required to satisfy those who put this burden on you with the hope they will leave you alone when it’s done. However, when you “want to” do something, you become passionate about it. You tend to go above and beyond to get the best possible result.

Becoming a father because you are pressured by your spouse and/or relatives, or because you believe that it is your duty in life since you are a man, is different from wanting to be a father. This will inevitably show in the way you treat and raise your children. Some fathers see their children as a burden, a hindrance to their careers, to fun, and to their goals. They avoid getting involved in their children’s lives as much as possible, sometimes without realizing it. They get the minimum done to appease their conscience, but they have no joy accomplishing their duties. Some go  as far as blaming their partners for tying them up with children and turn their backs on them. What they don’t realized is that kids can sense when they are unwanted. This can ruin a child’s life and result in delinquency, violent behaviors, drugs, and alcohol abuse.

Here are a few statistics from the National Fatherhood Initiative and the National Center for Fathering:

  • Individuals from father absent homes are 279% more likely to carry guns and deal drugs than peers living with their fathers.
  • Children born to single mothers show higher levels of aggressive behavior than children born to married mothers.
  • Teens without fathers are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent. They are 9 times more likely to be raped or sexually abused in a home without a biological father.
  • Teens without fathers are 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances. 71% Of all adolescent substance abusers come from a fatherless home
  • 80% of adolescents in psychiatric hospitals come from fatherless homes. They are twice more likely to commit suicide.

It’s important for men to take a good look at themselves and sincerely answer the question, “Do I want to be a dad?’ This will impact greatly their performance as fathers as well as the future of their children.

If the answer is no, have an honest discussion with your partner and your family so that they know where you stand. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s better not to take the job than to accept it and do it poorly. The consequences can be devastating not just for you and your family but for the society as a whole.

Source:

http://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistics-2016?

http://www.fathers.com/statistics-and-research/the-consequences-of-fatherlessness/2/

http://fathers.com/wp39/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/fatherlessInfographic.pdf

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Serge Destin

Co-founder of the League of Extraordinary Dads

Wisdom to decide – Part I

As a kid, I did not automatically make the connection between wisdom and decision making. I believed wisdom was the domain of old men with white beards. Decisions were the cdecision-youthhoices we make to satisfy the moment or our immediate needs. Obviously, I was wrong. While I do not believe that all teenagers and young people are as naïve as I was, statistics show that this demographic group is prone to making decision that can negatively impact their lives for decades. Though empowered to make decisions, they are ill-equipped as wisdom is absent in the decision-making process.

The common dictionary defines wisdom as soundness of action or decision with regards to the application of experience, knowledge and good judgement. We can all agree that wisdom is a set of principles that guide our decisions. Void of wisdom, our decisions are arbitrary, impulsive and dangerous. This is mightily important as we are the culmination of years of decisions. We are the product of the decisions we make. To illiterate the power of decisions without the benefit of wisdom, I ask you to consider Mo’s story.

The early to mid-90s were the years gangster rap and music videos facilitated the merging of urban street culture and pop culture. At that time Mo was exiting middle school and entering high school. In elementary and in most of middle school, he had a reputation for taking his studies seriously. But like most of his peer, Mo was captivated by Hip-Hop. Many of his peers simply enjoyed the music but Mo’s fascination served as the lubricant for his decadence and transformation.

Moise Phanor,

Co-founder of the League of Extraordinary Dads, LLC

Step Up Your Game

I’ve never met a man who wasn’t a good dad. Yep. You read it right. As I walk down the streets of different cities in America talking to random men about fatherhood, the conclusion is always something like this “I am a good dad,” “I take care of my own,” “They have everything they need.” If that’s the case, I wonderfather-241423_1920 (and you are probably wondering too) why are so many teenagers angry at their dads? Why do so many young adults despise their dads? The anger against fathers is real and terrible. In the “Correct Spelling of Father” modern poet Marshall Davis Jones states,

You ask me to spell father;

where I am from,

in my life father is,

and always has been,

and always will be spelled M-O-T-H-E-R. (view full poem   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZOgOcauDds )

In this poem, he expressed how his mother stepped in to fulfill the role of his absentee father throughout his life. Although it is a well deserved homage to his amazing mother, we can feel the pain, frustration, anger, and struggle that trouble the life of this young man. Millions of young men and women are in similar situation today and feel the same way as he does.

Amazingly enough most men do recognize that fatherhood is in crisis; however, they believe that the issue is with the dad next door. That is until the wisdom that come with age and experience open their eyes to their mistakes, errors, ignorance, and foolishness. But by then it’s late in the game and for some too late. Their children are adults who despise them and blame them for their misfortunes. These dads in turn tried desperately to correct and counsel their adult children only to meet rejection and alienation, “when I needed you, you weren’t there. I don’t need you now.”

We all as fathers need to step up our game. We need to be the provider, counselor, guide, boundary setter, law enforcer, playmate, and spiritual leader that our kids need right now… before it’s too late.

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Serge Destin,

Co-founder of the League of Extraordinary Dads, LLC

The Day My Life Changed

I barely slept that night. There was a mixture of worries and high anticipation going through my mind. I barely noticed the uncomfortable sofa bed I was lying upon in the delivery  room. I have been waiting for nearly nine months now and the due date for the birth of my little girl has just expired.me2

In this nearly dark room, I can see the marks of exhaustion on my wife’s face, accentuated by the drugs she has been receiving that left her lethargic. In this a room filled with beeping machines and nurse  interruptions, she slept, I tried not to wake her up.

The nurses and physicians tried their best to reassured us, “the baby is healthy and moving well; however there’s no sign that she is coming out soon.” Contractions were weak and dilation was progressing very slowly. We kept waiting.

The sun rose to open up a brand new day, but the baby refused to leave the maternal womb causing my wife’s blood pressure to rise to unprecedented level. By mid afternoon, the team approached us, a decision has been made: it’s time to remove her from her protective envelop. The room was quickly rearranged and instruments were pulled out. For a few minutes that felt like hours, physicians and nurses worked to bring her out. Finally, a little purple human who looks like a doll emerged and burst into cry. I cut the umbilical cord with the scissors the physician handed me. She is clean, wrapped, and put in my arms. I looked at her little face; she was gazing at me; our eyes crossed each others. At that time I realized, “my life will never be the same.”

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me    Serge Destin, Contributor